Silent Tears
by BMShipper
Summary: My take on the happenings of episode 2x07 - starts right away after the episode with Mike still crying in Ryan's arms on the stairs and what could have happened afterwards. Mike just lost his father and Ryan is there to catch his fall, but are they really just friends?


**A/N:** So this is my take on the happenings of episode 2x07! I've written this one-shot right after the episode, but it took a while to get them to my two beta-readers (THANK YOU! You know who you are) and back again!

I really hope you like them!

Comments if you enjoyed! It would mean a lot to me!

**Silent Tears**

Ryan had no idea how long he had been sitting on the stairs of the FBI Headquarters with the crying Mike in his arms. Maybe minutes, maybe hours: he had completely lost track of time and only when a shudder went through Mike's body did he notice that they must have been here for quite a while.

Mike hadn't stopped crying yet, but at least his sobbing sounds had died down and instead, his face was pressed against Ryan's shirt while silent tears were falling from his eyes.

"Come on, let's get you out of here," Ryan murmured, gently nudging the younger guy. "It's getting late."

Mike didn't say a word; he also didn't move; Ryan had no other choice but to literally drag him to his feet when he himself got up.

A small sigh left Ryan's lips. The moment he had realized what had been happening on that screen wall inside the FBI building, he knew he had to go after Mike. Despite what he had witnessed, he was glad he did, because he knew Mike needed him right now, maybe more than ever. He had never seen the guy so vulnerable and fragile like when he had put his arms around him. He had almost expected Mike to push him away, tell him to leave him alone, but instead Mike had just given in and sunken down into his lap, while his whole body had been shaking under his sobs. Seeing him like that had broken something inside of Ryan, and even thinking about it made his insides ache.

Sure, Ryan knew that he couldn't blame himself for what happened to Mike's father, but somehow he did anyway. He felt guilty for dragging Mike into all of this, dragging him even deeper into the whole Joe Carroll case than he had already been. Mike should have stayed a bystander – an outsider – because if he had, things would have never gotten so out of control. Roderick would never have kidnapped and abused Mike the way he had, and Mike wouldn't have attacked and almost killed Luke because of his PTSD. And Lily Gray wouldn't have used Mike's outburst as an excuse to go after Mike's father. It was just not right.

Shaking off his thoughts Ryan looked at Mike who still hadn't moved an inch. He was just standing there, on top of the stairs, staring into nothingness. It was like every breath of life had left his eyes. He was a shadow of himself right now, and all Ryan wanted to do in this moment was hold him tight and tell him everything was going to be okay, even though he knew it was a lie.

Carefully, he placed a hand on Mike's shoulder, making the younger guy twitch.

"I'm gonna bring you home," he informed him, and again he didn't get an answer, but at least Mike started moving.

Together they walked down the stairs and towards Ryan's car and as soon as Ryan had unlocked the door Mike got in. He sank into the passenger seat and stared out of the window, making Ryan wonder what he was thinking at that moment, if he was even thinking anything.

Getting into his car as well Ryan looked at Mike for a moment. He wanted to say something, anything that would make Mike feel better, but he was well aware that there were no right words for a situation like this. Everything he could say would sound like a platitude and that was the last thing Mike needed right now; what he needed was a friend, and Ryan wanted to be that friend more than anything else.

Reaching out, he grabbed one of Mike's hands and squeezed it tightly, and even though Mike didn't turn to look at him, Ryan could feel the pressure of Mike's fingers when he squeezed back. It was a wordless sign that he understood what Ryan wanted to tell him without being able to speak it aloud and it was the first real reaction – apart from clinging to him like a drowning man – Ryan had gotten ever since he had found him on the stairs.

It wasn't much, but it was something. Something Ryan could build on.

Starting the engine Ryan clutched the steering wheel and let his car roll out of the parking lot in front of the FBI building. For a moment, he considered taking Mike to his apartment, but then he decided otherwise. He wouldn't leave Mike alone tonight, and if he, in fact, brought him home, it would be way too easy for Mike to throw him out and shut the door in his face.

Ryan wouldn't take that chance. Instead he would take him to his place, where he could keep an eye on him and protect him if necessary. So he took a left turn and headed down the road that would lead him to his apartment.

It didn't even take him ten minutes until they arrived at their destination, and again Mike didn't say a single word during the whole drive. Ryan had never seen him like this, and he had seen Mike being in a bad place, but this was a whole new level. It scared Ryan quite a bit because he had no idea how to get through to him anymore.

Turning off the engine after he had parked the car, Ryan got out and waited for Mike to do the same. Mike didn't even blink. Instead, his face was pressed against the window and his eyes were empty. It was like he was in another place, somewhere Ryan couldn't reach him.

Slowly, Ryan walked over to the passenger door and opened it, causing Mike to almost fall out due to the sudden movement. However, since he was still buckled up, he managed to steady himself.

"You're not gonna make this easy on me, are you?" Ryan asked exasperated, leaning into the car and over Mike. He unbuckled his seatbelt before he dragged him out of the passenger seat and to his feet. It seemed like Mike would collapse like a house of cards if Ryan didn't hold him steady, but if that was what it took to get Mike out, Ryan was more than willing to do it. As long as Mike would let him, and it didn't seem like he would be objecting anytime soon.

Locking his car Ryan grabbed Mike's arm and pulled him towards the apartment building, walking in as soon as he opened the door. Mike was still completely unresponsive and it took a lot of Ryan to stay calm in this situation. He felt so unbelievably helpless. All he wanted was some kind of reaction from Mike; anything that would verify that he was still there with him; a sign that Mike knew what was going on around him. That was obviously too much to ask in that very moment, though.

Getting into the elevator with Mike by his side, Ryan leaned the younger guy against the wall and pressed the button for the third floor. He was more than relieved when he had managed to get him out of the cabin and inside his apartment, dropping him down onto the couch. This was going to be a long night. Mike's pain already took a toll on Ryan and he had no idea how long he could stay strong seeing him like that. He wanted to shake him, scream at him, anything that would make Mike wake up from his daze, but he couldn't get himself to do any of it. He was way too scared to make things even worse for Mike. It was obvious that Mike was in some state of shock and everything Ryan did could make the walls around Mike crumble again. Then he might start crying again and Ryan wasn't sure if he was able to calm him down a second time. Ryan even considered calling someone close to Mike but there was no one; not that he knew of. He was probably the closest thing to family Mike had left – at least considering what Mike had told him earlier that day – and so all he could do was try to help him get through this situation one way or another.

Ryan knew exactly how Mike felt. If it had been him losing someone, if it had been Max and not Mike's father on that video wall, Ryan was sure he would have already swallowed down a whole bottle of Vodka just to drown out his pain. But Mike was different, which was a good thing somehow. But it was bad for Ryan; he knew how to handle drunk people, but not how to treat Mike in this situation.

"I'm gonna get you a cup of tea," he said, looking down at Mike. He wasn't even sure if Mike even heard him, but when he turned around to walk into his kitchen, he felt Mike's hand suddenly grab his wrist.

"Don't- don't leave me," he heard Mike whisper. When he faced him again, he saw another well of tears in his eyes. It was as if Mike had snapped out from whatever daze he had been in, but now the pain was visible on his face again. It made Ryan's heart twist painfully.

Immediately he sank down next to Mike, placing a hand on his cheek. "I'm not gonna leave you, Mike. Do you hear me? I'm here."

"Why did she have to kill my father?" Mike asked, his voice breaking, tears were fighting their way down his cheek. "He had nothing to do with this. Hell, I haven't even talked to him since our last fight, and now he'll never know that I'm sorry and that I love him and that…" His words died on his lips and all Ryan could do was wrap his arms around him and hold him tight.

One of Mike's hands clutched his shirt while his tears wet the fabric. Ryan couldn't care less about that, though. Gently, he started rocking Mike in his arms, making shushing sounds to comfort him, but it didn't do the trick. Mike, rather, started crying harder, his body shaking violently. "He didn't know I love him," Mike wept. He was so full of guilt and it killed Ryan not to be able to do anything other than be there for him.

"He knew," Ryan tried to say, one of his hands moving into Mike's hair while the other was resting on his back. "He was your father, Mike. Fathers know such things."

"You think?" Mike asked, finally looking up at him.

A sad smile appeared on Ryan's lips. "I'm sure. Fighting with someone doesn't mean you don't love them. It just means you have a different opinion about something."

"I wish I had the chance to tell him how sorry I am that I disappointed him," Mike replied, taking a few deep breaths – obviously to calm himself down a little bit, but it didn't really work.

"I promise you one thing," Ryan said, moving his hands to Mike's cheek so he could look deep into his eyes. "I promise you we'll make her pay. She's not gonna get away with this. We'll catch her and we'll make her pay."

"I'll make her pay," Mike added, generating a nod from Ryan.

"Yes, Mike! You're gonna make her pay."

Gently, he wiped the tears away with his thumbs, leaning his forehead against Mike's. "You'll get your revenge."

That perspective seemed to make Mike feel a little better and his eyes got some of the determination back – the determination Ryan had always admired so much because he knew it would get Mike anywhere he wanted, and because he was a fighter and he would fight his way through this with Ryan by his side.

"Can I make you a cup of tea now?" Ryan asked carefully when he let go of Mike. When Mike nodded, he got off the couch and, with one last look at Mike, finally entered his kitchen.

It took him a while to boil the water and get the tea ready, and after placing everything on a tray, he walked back into the living room, only to find Mike huddled down on the couch. Letting out a sigh, Ryan walked closer and placed the tray on the living room table before leaning over Mike. Softly he placed a hand on Mike's shoulder and, when Mike didn't even flinch, Ryan realized that he must have fallen asleep while he had been in the kitchen. Exhaustion had most likely taken over him, but maybe that was a good thing. At least he wouldn't have to think about his father all while he slept.

Considering for a moment just to put a blanket over him, Ryan thought better of it. As carefully as possible, he slid a hand underneath Mike's legs and back and lifted him up, carrying him into his bedroom. He felt Mike moving, half expecting him to wake up, but when he placed him on the mattress Mike cuddled into the sheets and turned to the side. Ryan pulled off Mike's shoes, placing them on the floor next to the bed, and then helped him out of his black leather jacket before he tucked him in.

Crouching down next to the bed, he watched Mike's sleeping figure. Watched his body move underneath with his breathing and his pale face pressed into the pillow. Mike appeared so weak and fragile in this moment and Ryan's protective instinct kicked in full force. He would never let something like that happen to him again. He would not let Mike go through such a tragedy ever again, and he was willing to give his life to protect him. He might not have been aware of it before, but he definitely was now. Mike was one of the most important people in his life and he would not let him slip away. He would get him through the loss of his father and Mike would come out on the other side, stronger than before.

Getting to his feet again, Ryan walked to the door and turned off the light. He just hoped Mike would find a couple of hours of sleep because he knew way too well that the pain would come back eventually. Maybe even worse than before.

After getting rid of his shoes and jacket, he took off his shirt and pants and slid into comfortable sweat-pants and a t-shirt instead. He sat down on his couch and turned on the TV but with the sound off. He was tired too – it had been a long day – but he couldn't sleep yet. Not until he was absolutely sure that Mike was okay. He seemed to be right now, but somehow Ryan didn't trust the silence. His instinct told him to stay awake so he could be by Mike's side should he need him, but the longer his eyes were glued to the television screen the harder it became to keep them open.

He must have fallen asleep, however, because all of a sudden he heard whimpering sounds and his eyes snapped open. It took him a moment to come back to reality, but when he did, he was on his feet immediately. _Mike!_ Something was happening. He stumbled into the bed room, turned on the light, and heard the quiet sobs coming from the younger guy. He saw the shaking of his body. When he moved closer, he noticed that Mike was still asleep, probably having a nightmare. For a moment he considered shaking him awake, but instead he slid under the blankets and towards Mike, pulling him into his arms from behind.

"Shh…" he whispered soothingly, stroking his arm with one of his hands. "I'm here, Mike… you're safe."

Ryan felt Mike turning and then his fingers were clinging to Ryan's t-shirt. He wasn't sure if Mike was still asleep, but then he moved away again and his eyes opened. Mike must have woken up somewhere in between his struggle.

"It wasn't just a dream, was it?" Ryan heard him ask quietly. It took a lot of him to crush Mike's hopes, but he also couldn't lie to him.

"No, it wasn't," he confirmed, pulling Mike closer again, his hands finding Mike's cheeks. "But I'm here for you, okay? I'll be there every step of the way."

Mike nodded courageously while silent tears ran down his face. "I know. I trust you." His voice was merely a whisper and, before Ryan knew what was happening, he felt one of Mike's hands on his cheek. A few seconds later, Mike's lips were on his.

Ryan's eyes widened and his first instinct was to pull back. This was not right. This was not supposed to happen. Mike was fragile and at a breaking point. Besides, Ryan never considered Mike and him to be more than friends. Until now. Nevertheless, he couldn't deny how good it felt to be this close to him. Tension cramped in Ryan's gut as Mike's lips moved. Even though Ryan realized in that very moment that he actually really wanted this, he couldn't go through with it.

Pulling back, he sat up, taking a deep breath.

"Mike, we can't!"

A wounded look appeared on Mike's face but he didn't back away. Instead he sat up as well and one of his hands moved to Ryan's thighs.

"Why?"

"You know why," Ryan replied, placing his hand over Mike's before he could go any further. "You just lost your dad. You're hurting. This is not the solution. It'll only make you feel worse."

"No, it won't," Mike objected, sliding closer to Ryan. "I-I can't take the pain any longer. I wanna feel something else. I wanna feel you."

Again, he tried to kiss Ryan, but Ryan turned his head away so Mike's lips only grazed his cheek.

Ryan felt awful for having to turn Mike down when he was already vulnerable like that, but he also knew it was the right thing to do. Mike wasn't thinking clearly and whatever he felt right now it probably wasn't real.

"I can't take advantage of you like that," Ryan muttered. It took a great effort to resist Mike's advances, but it was for Mike's own good, even though Mike probably didn't see it that way right now.

"You're not taking advantage of me. If someone takes advantage, it's me. Ryan, please! Please help me make the pain stop." Mike sounded desperate right now and even without looking at him Ryan knew that he was close to tears again.

"I can't," Ryan certified once more, turning around to look at him. "But I am going to be there for you, just like I promised. The pain is not gonna stop anytime soon and replacing it with physical pain – because I know that's what you're looking for – will only help temporarily and you will only feel worse after. You don't want any of this."

"What if I do?" Mike asked. "What if I wanna be close to you?"

"Mike…" Ryan drawled, letting out a sigh. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss on Mike's forehead. "If this – us – is something you really want, something you don't just feel the need for because you wanna drown the pain, then you will still feel that way once the pain starts fading. If that's the case, I promise you, we'll figure out what this is."

"Does that mean you're feeling it too?" Mike looked up at him hopefully, and despite the sorrowful situation, Ryan couldn't help the smile that tugged on his lips.

"You've always been special to me, Mike," Ryan admitted. "and I did feel something when you kissed me. But I don't want you to feel obliged to do something you don't really want."

"So if I still want you the way I do now once I feel better, we're giving it a try?" Mike wanted to know.

Ryan nodded. "Yes."

Mike looked deep into his eyes. "Promise?"

"Promise," Ryan replied, sinking down onto the mattress and pulling Mike with him. "Try to sleep now."

"Only if you don't leave me again," Mike replied, laying his head onto Ryan's chest.

That was something Ryan could do. "I'm not gonna leave again," he promised, reaching behind him to turn off the light and then pulling the blanket over both of their bodies.

"Good night, Ryan," he heard Mike say, a heavy feeling weighing down on his heart.

"Good night, Mike," he gave back, absently stroking Mike's back.

Ryan wasn't sure if he hoped Mike would still want him in a couple of days or not, but he knew if he did, things would drastically change between them. Maybe for the better. However, if Ryan screwed it up like he had all his past relationships, he wouldn't only lose a lover but one of the best friends he had ever had, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that.

But that was something he could think about when it came to it. Not now. Now he just wanted to get Mike through the night, and he hoped he would.

Mike just had to be okay again.


End file.
